The Top 18 Signs You've Hired an Ass Clown for Your Child's Party
	By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid listening to AM Gold.
	Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
	Keeps screaming, "My name's not Ass Clown, it's Stoolie!"
	References to "Suicide Sunday" and "Taco Toss" are lost on most 5-year olds.
	Props for his "disappearing" trick: a bar tab in your name and a game of "NOT IT".
	Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "sleep apnia" trick.
	Tells the young girls he killed his wife Molly and is now available to date.
	Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to get you in one of his patented "titty twister" holds.
	Prefaces each trick with, "Yo kid, can I bum a smoke off ya ?"
	Not exactly the "Drunk Clark" impression you were expecting.
	Wears a T-Shirt that says, "RED DIRT" or "GALLERY".
	More interested in squirting Vodka into his pie hole than performing standard clown tricks.
	The Large Red Mullet puts even Ronald McDonald to shame.
	A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party bitching and moaning about the current share price of WCOM is another.
	Only balloon animals he can make are covered in a viscous spermicidal lubricant.
	Business cards include the phrase "If found unconscious, please return to 5Bayside.com. Return postage guaranteed"
	Price list includes "Open bar on Doogie's tab" and "A pack of Virginia Slim Lights"
and the Number Sign You've Hired an Ass Clown for Your Child's Party...
	You find the Ass Clown passed-out drunk on the stairwell landing at 11 AM.